If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
This is painfully accurate 😅
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
fired
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.