thank god
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.