Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Just parrot things
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”