None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
You Might Also Like
Sponch
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.