Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
You Might Also Like
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…