A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.