synchronized noseblowing
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
OKAY DAD
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…