So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.