Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
so weird how every mom was born today
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.