Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.