My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“TGIM!” – My liver
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.