I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.