Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
This is amazing.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
How about daylight saves us for once
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep