I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
You Might Also Like
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me