“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments