Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.