My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
my favorite genre of twitter
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no