3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
mechanics be like
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
japanese corn
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.