-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
You Might Also Like
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self