OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.