Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
You Might Also Like
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I’m giving up for Lent.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha: