ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
This one’s “Alex”.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.