Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Cardio Made Easy
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.