Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.