By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay