titanic
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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
wish me luck lads