Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
😎 🍻
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!