Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Important reminders
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.