[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
shit just got real
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child