I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Leaving the Barbers like
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I bet
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…