when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.