Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?