I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.