Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.