You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.