If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.