*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds