By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
🤣dope
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I think about this a lot
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The news in a nutshell.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “