People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
my mind
You just read my mind
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die