Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.