Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
you have three unread messages
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
<—- homeless romantic
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.