me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
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These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.