Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think