My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats