about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.