do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Not messing around
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]