Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.