If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
i want to work in this restaurant
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.