AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Tough love is true love
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.