My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*bites zombie*
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984